For those who are new to my blog, Every Wednesday, I am posting a new day of my personal adoption story. I know today is Thursday, but I really had to get some court stuff done yesterday so I bumped it a day.
Part 2
Adoption?
1/3/08
I went to speak with Dr. Lawrence again.I still didn’t quite believe her, but I voiced my concerns about continuing the pregnancy nonetheless, just in case. She, of course, said it was too late to terminate and I said that maybe it was in the U.S., but not in other countries. I could tell she didn’t approve, but then, I didn’t really care. The embryo, in my opinion, is alive at conception. That single cell has the means to not only survive, but to reproduce, hence, I never understood people who quibbled over trimesters. She told me I should speak to the social worker, Eileen Shimose, about alternative options. I gave her an annoyed look, but went along with it.
I spoke with Eileen about alternatives to abortion, since third trimester abortions are illegal in the U.S. and I didn’t have the means or resources to travel elsewhere. She explained the concept of adoption to me and asked me some general questions, i.e. what I wanted to do in life, etc. She asked what kind of family/life I wanted for the baby. I really did not care and made a point of saying so. She tried calling some of the adoption agencies and left messages, but apparently everyone was out to lunch so she just gave me a list with three adoption agencies on it an their contact information. She asked if they could call me at home and I said no. Goodness, these people were so pushy sometimes. I hadn’t even had confirmation of this so called pregnancy via ultrasound yet and already they wanted to have adoption agencies calling my house. Finally, she suggested I go see a therapist. She said I was going through a lot and even though I seemed fine on the outside, I should have someone to talk to. I was annoyed again. Just because she wouldn’t be able to handle such a thing on her own, didn’t mean the rest of us we incapable of doing just that. Besides, if I felt the need to speak to someone, I would IM my friends, not some stranger who gets paid to listen to me. I ended up agreeing because I didn’t want them to think I was some closet psycho who tried to self-abort. I suspected that was the real reason she wanted me to go see him. The rest of the day went by normally as I waited for tomorrow to come so I could have my ultrasound. I was still going to work and all that so I was kept pretty busy.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Been Wanting to Talk About CashCrate - Off Topic
Very off topic, but I've been wanting to tell people about if forever. It's called cashcrate and it's pretty awesome if you like free money. I don't usually broadcast online money-making sites, but since I know a hundred % that this isn't a scam ( I got a check from them), I thought, hey, why not.
Basically, you do offers (most are 100% free), daily surveys (you can do 2 a day), and if you like shopping online, you can go through cashcrate as a way of getting some cash back (the % of cash you get back from the online stores they are partnered with is listed right next to that store). Is it going to make you rich? Don't count on it. It will, however, give you some extra money to go to that nice restaurant you can't usually afford, get a massage, or whatever else you've been wanting to do to pamper yourself. Let me give you and example. If you do the daily surveys every day, that's already 48 dollars. Then, say you take 5 minutes out of your life every day to make 1 dollar doing a couple of offers. That's 30 dollars at the end of the month. Together, that's already almost 80 dollars! Tell your friends and you'll make more. Like I said, it won't make you rich, but it will definitely give you the money to do that little something extra for yourself.
Best of all, it's free. No sign-up fees, processing fees, etc and you can choose to get paid via check or paypal. I'd suggest going to check it out. What have you got to lose?
cashcrate
Basically, you do offers (most are 100% free), daily surveys (you can do 2 a day), and if you like shopping online, you can go through cashcrate as a way of getting some cash back (the % of cash you get back from the online stores they are partnered with is listed right next to that store). Is it going to make you rich? Don't count on it. It will, however, give you some extra money to go to that nice restaurant you can't usually afford, get a massage, or whatever else you've been wanting to do to pamper yourself. Let me give you and example. If you do the daily surveys every day, that's already 48 dollars. Then, say you take 5 minutes out of your life every day to make 1 dollar doing a couple of offers. That's 30 dollars at the end of the month. Together, that's already almost 80 dollars! Tell your friends and you'll make more. Like I said, it won't make you rich, but it will definitely give you the money to do that little something extra for yourself.
Best of all, it's free. No sign-up fees, processing fees, etc and you can choose to get paid via check or paypal. I'd suggest going to check it out. What have you got to lose?
cashcrate
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
My Adoption Tragedy: The Whole Story
So I've decided that every Wednesday, I will share a day of my adoption story with you. I will be starting off today with the first day I found out I was pregnant.
The Start of It All
12/27/07
Going to the doctors is never a pleasant experience, but I doubt anyone has an experience that has brought forth a slew of events as heinous as mine. It they have, my heart goes out to them. Perhaps, it is best if I start from the beginning, however.
I hate to sound cliché, but it all started with stomach pains. Very bad stomach pain. Now, most people would have probably sought medical attention as soon as they started, but me, being stubborn and also quite used to gastrointestinal problems, decided to wait. I’m not entirely sure what I was waiting for, but I waited none-the-less. When it started to interfere with my work, however, I decided something had to be done. I was quite sure I had Lupus, to be honest, as my vigorous attempts at self diagnosis had led me to autoimmune. At any rate, I was surprised when I called the hospital and they gave me an appointment with an OB/GYN. I had wanted to see an immunologist. I didn’t push it though as I figured OB’s could just as easily order a Lupus a.n.a. as anyone else, and so, on December 27, 2007, I trudged into the 4th floor waiting area, full of self-importance and unfounded doubt in my physician’s diagnostic ability. I got the standard blood pressure/temp check and was placed into an exam room and told to undress and redress into the dreaded exam gown. I remember thinking I was waiting forever, but in actuality, it was probably not more than ten minutes or so. As soon as the Dr, Dr. Lawrence, walked in, I smirked inwardly and dug into my bag, searching for my list. Oh yes, I had come prepared. No one would dismiss my complaints this time. She introduced herself, all smiles, and asked the words I’d been waiting for. “So, what’s the reason for your visit today?” I handed her my list of symptoms eagerly. Yes. I would finally get my test. As she read over my list, he smile disappeared a bit. “Well, we only have a short amount of time, so I’m afraid we won’t be able to go over all of these today. Which one do you want to start with?” As I heard these words, I became greatly disheartened. Not again! How could she even dream of making a diagnosis without taking all of my symptoms into consideration? More importantly, how could I get my test? Could I just ask for an ana? I sighed inwardly in resignation and told her about the pains in my lower abdominal area as that was what was currently interfering with my work. She had me lay down and pressed on my abdomen. I flinched a bit and wondered why doctors always found it necessary to press down on the specific part of your body that you had just told them causes you an insufferable amount of pain. Her face took on an expression of worry, which did nothing to ease my already paranoid mind. Did she already know what was wrong? Was it bad? She looked at me then and said there was definitely something in there and I would need an ultrasound. Oh God. Did I have cancer? Why couldn’t it have just been Lupus? I was freaking out inside, but I put on a brave face, so to speak, and nodded dumbly. She left the room and I got dressed, not really knowing what to think. I felt as if though my brain had become detached from my body and it was simply going through the motions mechanically. I opened the door and attempted to walk out, but a nurse told me to go back in as Dr. Lawrence wanted to talk to me. Now I was a bit confused. Hadn’t she just left? Why did she want to talk to me again? I walked back into the room and waited. When she came back into my room, she was almost grinning. This only added to my confusion. I could have cancer and she was grinning? What was wrong with her? That’s when she said, or more like blurted out, really, “Camira. You’re pregnant. Did you know?” I stared at her with a look of severe incredulity. What?! It was official. My physician had lost her mind. How had she come to such a conclusion? Did I know? Of course I didn’t know. Why else would I be here with my list claiming Lupus? Oh, why did the confusion never end? She had me lay down again and did that horrendous pressing thing. “Wow. You’re far along. Probably at least 18 weeks.” I did some quick calculations, and double and triple checked them. That’s when I knew that Dr. Lawrence was definitely off of her rocker. There was no sex going on at that time. None whatsoever. Not even a boyfriend. And I hadn’t even gone into the fact that I’d been on the Depo shot for over a year. I told her so, but she insisted. To further prove her point, she got out a monitor of sorts and started running it over my abdomen. A look of shock appeared on her face. I felt a twinge of victory. Good, she’d realized she was wrong. “You’re actually 32 weeks pregnant.” At this point, I was ready to pass out. What?! How was that even possible? I mean, yes, I’d gained a bit of weight, but not an excessive amount. I had also stopped busting my butt on the elliptical three times a week so I naturally assumed this was the cause. Other than that, I didn’t have any abnormal symptoms. Okay, so I had a lot of symptoms, but they were all things I dealt with for years in some cases, hence my assurance that I was affected by a chronic illness of some sort. At this point, Dr. Lawrence was prattling on about blood tests and ultrasounds, amongst other things my thunderstruck brain failed to comprehend or remember. I nodded dumbly once again, the all too familiar feelings of shock and confusion taking over for the second time in an hour. I walked out of the office and down to the lab. By the time I had gotten there, I had once again convinced myself that Dr. Lawrence was completely mental. Yes, I was sure of it. I would have the ultrasound and the people would be like, “What was she talking about?” Feeling slightly better though still thoroughly concerned about standards in medical training, I waited patiently for my turn with the needle-happy phlebotomists.
Finally my visit, if you could even call it that, was over. I was thankful and quite eager to push that whole random hour to the back of my head. I went home and relaxed a bit, quite thoroughly feeling as though I deserved it. When my mom came home and asked what the doctor had said, I told her, making it into a joke, of course. I was comforted by the fact that she didn’t believe it either. She would know, after all. She’d had me.
P.S. If you are more interested in world adoption news, you can visit my other blog at adoptionreform.today.com
The Start of It All
12/27/07
Going to the doctors is never a pleasant experience, but I doubt anyone has an experience that has brought forth a slew of events as heinous as mine. It they have, my heart goes out to them. Perhaps, it is best if I start from the beginning, however.
I hate to sound cliché, but it all started with stomach pains. Very bad stomach pain. Now, most people would have probably sought medical attention as soon as they started, but me, being stubborn and also quite used to gastrointestinal problems, decided to wait. I’m not entirely sure what I was waiting for, but I waited none-the-less. When it started to interfere with my work, however, I decided something had to be done. I was quite sure I had Lupus, to be honest, as my vigorous attempts at self diagnosis had led me to autoimmune. At any rate, I was surprised when I called the hospital and they gave me an appointment with an OB/GYN. I had wanted to see an immunologist. I didn’t push it though as I figured OB’s could just as easily order a Lupus a.n.a. as anyone else, and so, on December 27, 2007, I trudged into the 4th floor waiting area, full of self-importance and unfounded doubt in my physician’s diagnostic ability. I got the standard blood pressure/temp check and was placed into an exam room and told to undress and redress into the dreaded exam gown. I remember thinking I was waiting forever, but in actuality, it was probably not more than ten minutes or so. As soon as the Dr, Dr. Lawrence, walked in, I smirked inwardly and dug into my bag, searching for my list. Oh yes, I had come prepared. No one would dismiss my complaints this time. She introduced herself, all smiles, and asked the words I’d been waiting for. “So, what’s the reason for your visit today?” I handed her my list of symptoms eagerly. Yes. I would finally get my test. As she read over my list, he smile disappeared a bit. “Well, we only have a short amount of time, so I’m afraid we won’t be able to go over all of these today. Which one do you want to start with?” As I heard these words, I became greatly disheartened. Not again! How could she even dream of making a diagnosis without taking all of my symptoms into consideration? More importantly, how could I get my test? Could I just ask for an ana? I sighed inwardly in resignation and told her about the pains in my lower abdominal area as that was what was currently interfering with my work. She had me lay down and pressed on my abdomen. I flinched a bit and wondered why doctors always found it necessary to press down on the specific part of your body that you had just told them causes you an insufferable amount of pain. Her face took on an expression of worry, which did nothing to ease my already paranoid mind. Did she already know what was wrong? Was it bad? She looked at me then and said there was definitely something in there and I would need an ultrasound. Oh God. Did I have cancer? Why couldn’t it have just been Lupus? I was freaking out inside, but I put on a brave face, so to speak, and nodded dumbly. She left the room and I got dressed, not really knowing what to think. I felt as if though my brain had become detached from my body and it was simply going through the motions mechanically. I opened the door and attempted to walk out, but a nurse told me to go back in as Dr. Lawrence wanted to talk to me. Now I was a bit confused. Hadn’t she just left? Why did she want to talk to me again? I walked back into the room and waited. When she came back into my room, she was almost grinning. This only added to my confusion. I could have cancer and she was grinning? What was wrong with her? That’s when she said, or more like blurted out, really, “Camira. You’re pregnant. Did you know?” I stared at her with a look of severe incredulity. What?! It was official. My physician had lost her mind. How had she come to such a conclusion? Did I know? Of course I didn’t know. Why else would I be here with my list claiming Lupus? Oh, why did the confusion never end? She had me lay down again and did that horrendous pressing thing. “Wow. You’re far along. Probably at least 18 weeks.” I did some quick calculations, and double and triple checked them. That’s when I knew that Dr. Lawrence was definitely off of her rocker. There was no sex going on at that time. None whatsoever. Not even a boyfriend. And I hadn’t even gone into the fact that I’d been on the Depo shot for over a year. I told her so, but she insisted. To further prove her point, she got out a monitor of sorts and started running it over my abdomen. A look of shock appeared on her face. I felt a twinge of victory. Good, she’d realized she was wrong. “You’re actually 32 weeks pregnant.” At this point, I was ready to pass out. What?! How was that even possible? I mean, yes, I’d gained a bit of weight, but not an excessive amount. I had also stopped busting my butt on the elliptical three times a week so I naturally assumed this was the cause. Other than that, I didn’t have any abnormal symptoms. Okay, so I had a lot of symptoms, but they were all things I dealt with for years in some cases, hence my assurance that I was affected by a chronic illness of some sort. At this point, Dr. Lawrence was prattling on about blood tests and ultrasounds, amongst other things my thunderstruck brain failed to comprehend or remember. I nodded dumbly once again, the all too familiar feelings of shock and confusion taking over for the second time in an hour. I walked out of the office and down to the lab. By the time I had gotten there, I had once again convinced myself that Dr. Lawrence was completely mental. Yes, I was sure of it. I would have the ultrasound and the people would be like, “What was she talking about?” Feeling slightly better though still thoroughly concerned about standards in medical training, I waited patiently for my turn with the needle-happy phlebotomists.
Finally my visit, if you could even call it that, was over. I was thankful and quite eager to push that whole random hour to the back of my head. I went home and relaxed a bit, quite thoroughly feeling as though I deserved it. When my mom came home and asked what the doctor had said, I told her, making it into a joke, of course. I was comforted by the fact that she didn’t believe it either. She would know, after all. She’d had me.
P.S. If you are more interested in world adoption news, you can visit my other blog at adoptionreform.today.com
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Adoption Stats
I’ve come across so many people recently who complain about the adoption laws here in the
Only 28 states ( Arizona, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana,Massachusetts, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia ) have a waiting period before the mother is allowed to sign consent forms.
Of those 28 states, only 20 ( Arizona, District of Columbia, Illinois, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, Ohio, Pennsylvania,Rhode Island, South Dakota, Tennessee, Virginia, West Virginia )have a waiting period of 72 hours or longer after birth for the first mother.
A mere 15 states (Alabama, Alaska, District of Columbia, Georgia, Iowa, Kentucky, Maine, Minnesota, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Texas, Vermont, Virginia, Washington) have some kind of revocation period.
Two states (
A disturbing 15 states (
To top it off, 26 states (Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, New Mexico, New York, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Wyoming) have putative father registries which allow for easy termination of father’s rights without his consent or even his knowledge.
Why are a lot of legislators refusing to put in place more laws? They say it will deter a lot of people from adopting, which they don’t want. I find this strange. I would think that adoptive parents would want to make sure the child they got was freely and voluntarily given to them. I also think putting in place more protection would definitely decrease the incidence of long, drawn out custody battles. I think that’s about the closest thing anyone is going to get to a win-win-win situation in adoption.
Monday, July 21, 2008
To Adoptive Parents: Something to Think About
To All the Adoptive Parents Engaged in a Custody Battle:
My name is Camira and I write to you not as a first parent to an adoptive parent, not as adversary to adversary, but from parent to parent. After all, we both love our children dearly, do we not? I use the words first and adoptive only to make clear what I’m trying to bring across.
I don’t know each and every one of your situations and so I will not judge you for keeping up the fight against your child’s other set of parents. I do, however, ask you for one favor. What could that be, you ask. I would like you to put that child first. I understand that you have had your own difficulties and losses in life, some of which I can understand quite well, and others I couldn’t even begin to fathom, however, those experiences are meant to make us stronger so that we may become amazing role models to our children.
At first, I often asked myself how some adoptive parents, having been through the loss of a child themselves, had the heart to put another parent in that very situation. That was before I understood the adoptive parent’s viewpoint. I now understand that a losing a child they planned to adopt or even cared for left them with the same feeling of loss that I now feel. Why should they put my feelings before theirs? It would not be fair to ask that of them.
I do think, however, that it is fair to ask any parent to put the feelings and needs of their children before their own. That is, after all, what a being a parent is about. Loving someone so much that you will always put their needs before your own. This is where I ask my favor of you. Before you decide to fight for that child, or close a once open adoption, ask yourself how much. Think of your current situation (are the first parents a danger to the child, etc.). Then, go to a support group, yahoo answers adoption section, or anywhere you can find adults that have lived the life of an adoptee. Ask them to share their experiences, their joys, their sorrows, their highlights, and their regrets. Then look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you are doing the right thing for whatever your particular situation warrants. If you find that you have doubts, now is the time to ask yourself how much. How much do you love that child that was dropped into your life? Do you love him or her enough to break your own heart if it means sparing theirs?
This question isn’t expressly for you, but for every parent out there. If you can answer yes to it, then you truly are a parent, deserving of that child’s love and the world’s respect and I commend you. If you simply can not, perhaps you still need to deal with some of your own issues before you are entrusted with something as precious as what you’ve been given.
In closing, I would like to thank you for taking time to read this and hopefully this will help you to understand what is right, what is not, and what your child needs the most – the love of everyone he or she can get it from.
From Parent to Parent,
Camira Bailey
My name is Camira and I write to you not as a first parent to an adoptive parent, not as adversary to adversary, but from parent to parent. After all, we both love our children dearly, do we not? I use the words first and adoptive only to make clear what I’m trying to bring across.
I don’t know each and every one of your situations and so I will not judge you for keeping up the fight against your child’s other set of parents. I do, however, ask you for one favor. What could that be, you ask. I would like you to put that child first. I understand that you have had your own difficulties and losses in life, some of which I can understand quite well, and others I couldn’t even begin to fathom, however, those experiences are meant to make us stronger so that we may become amazing role models to our children.
At first, I often asked myself how some adoptive parents, having been through the loss of a child themselves, had the heart to put another parent in that very situation. That was before I understood the adoptive parent’s viewpoint. I now understand that a losing a child they planned to adopt or even cared for left them with the same feeling of loss that I now feel. Why should they put my feelings before theirs? It would not be fair to ask that of them.
I do think, however, that it is fair to ask any parent to put the feelings and needs of their children before their own. That is, after all, what a being a parent is about. Loving someone so much that you will always put their needs before your own. This is where I ask my favor of you. Before you decide to fight for that child, or close a once open adoption, ask yourself how much. Think of your current situation (are the first parents a danger to the child, etc.). Then, go to a support group, yahoo answers adoption section, or anywhere you can find adults that have lived the life of an adoptee. Ask them to share their experiences, their joys, their sorrows, their highlights, and their regrets. Then look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you are doing the right thing for whatever your particular situation warrants. If you find that you have doubts, now is the time to ask yourself how much. How much do you love that child that was dropped into your life? Do you love him or her enough to break your own heart if it means sparing theirs?
This question isn’t expressly for you, but for every parent out there. If you can answer yes to it, then you truly are a parent, deserving of that child’s love and the world’s respect and I commend you. If you simply can not, perhaps you still need to deal with some of your own issues before you are entrusted with something as precious as what you’ve been given.
In closing, I would like to thank you for taking time to read this and hopefully this will help you to understand what is right, what is not, and what your child needs the most – the love of everyone he or she can get it from.
From Parent to Parent,
Camira Bailey
Friday, June 20, 2008
Why Is It So One-Sided?
I was reading some case law in an attempt to understand jurisdiction and I happened apon the "Baby Jessica" case. I must say I was a bit more than upset when I read all the surrounding facts. I noticed a majority of people slamming the judge for following the law and calling the natural parents monsters for "taking that child out of the only home she's ever known." Why is it so one-sided? I myself have experienced people telling me to think about my child before taking him away from the only parents he's ever known - and that was a day after he was placed with them!
Bonding begins in utero so prospective adoptive parents are not the only parents a child has known, even if they are placed at birth.
My main issue is the fact that this is completely one-sided. You never hear people telling prospective adoptive parents to give back the child while he or she is still young to minimize trauma. You don't hear the majority scolding prospective adoptive parents for using stalling techniques and dragging out the court battles for years in hopes that their "vested rights" will overpower that natural parent's right to their child. Why are adoptive parent's rights so much more important than those of a natural parent, especially in a case where a parent never gave their consent to begin with?
Bonding begins in utero so prospective adoptive parents are not the only parents a child has known, even if they are placed at birth.
My main issue is the fact that this is completely one-sided. You never hear people telling prospective adoptive parents to give back the child while he or she is still young to minimize trauma. You don't hear the majority scolding prospective adoptive parents for using stalling techniques and dragging out the court battles for years in hopes that their "vested rights" will overpower that natural parent's right to their child. Why are adoptive parent's rights so much more important than those of a natural parent, especially in a case where a parent never gave their consent to begin with?
Monday, June 16, 2008
Finally Here
I just wanted to say that I'm finally back online and everyone will be hearing from me from now on, even those of you who would rather not. For those of you who don't know me, I'm a girl who lost her son to adoption for the time being, but will never stop fighting for him. As painful as this is, it has opened up my eyes to horrific events that continue to go on in the adoption industry and the pathetic, yet somehow effective cover-up that is blinding the world as to what is happening in their own country, state, neighborhood, and even their own families.
I won't stop until laws are put into place to protect natural parents. I won't stop until adoptees have access to THEIR birth records like any other citizen. I won't stop until people know the truth about the pain of those involved. I won't stop until adoption once again becomes about finding a home for a child in need and not the other way around.
People seem to think it's okay to treat children like commodities. They seem to forget that these children grow up. By that time, the agencies have gotten their money, the "buyers" have gotten their chance to raise a child and it seems that once innocent child is now an adult left with all the aftermath of a situation that benefited everyone except for him or her, the very one that everyone was supposed to protect.
I won't stop until laws are put into place to protect natural parents. I won't stop until adoptees have access to THEIR birth records like any other citizen. I won't stop until people know the truth about the pain of those involved. I won't stop until adoption once again becomes about finding a home for a child in need and not the other way around.
People seem to think it's okay to treat children like commodities. They seem to forget that these children grow up. By that time, the agencies have gotten their money, the "buyers" have gotten their chance to raise a child and it seems that once innocent child is now an adult left with all the aftermath of a situation that benefited everyone except for him or her, the very one that everyone was supposed to protect.
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